ABOUT OCTOBER MEETUP
Last night was the October Meetup for Success with the Opposite Sex: Get Related not Dated (TM).  It’s been way too long since I blogged about the group.

On October 23rd, as usual held on the fourth Friday of the month, there were 4 guests (a good turnout for 6 rsvps). Two didn’t come because I failed to confirm correctly and my cell was on vibrate all night. My sincere apologies. I didn’t send address to one and tried to reach me on my cell but I missed her call. The other was scared off by the informal topic of NFL for dating. She thought it was about football but it was not. It was about dating. About taking the process of the NFL draft and applying it to dating selection (context, quick selection through the candidates who are not a fit, etc.). She too called beforehand but my cell was on vibrate.

In spite of my own faux pas, we had a great conversation with Indian food which was much enjoyed. It was a free for all. We only spoke of the NFL for dating concept for no more than 10 mins at best. The rest were just questions, thoughts, laughter, and just hanging out.

A BOOK IN THE MAKING
The reason behind my lack of workability this month is that I’ve been thinking of ending SWTOS in its current form. For just over 4 years, as many ppl that are members of the meetup have passed through my doorway to attend the event. It began in the Village for about a year and a half. Moved to Bed-Stuy for a year. Then to my present location in Crown Hghts. Each event has had anywhere from 4 to 23 ppl but on average about 10-11 people each month.

The ratings have been consistently high (averaging at least a 4 out of 5 or higher at 99% of the events). So this is a successful event and meetup but lately I have been spreading myself thin AND I want to take time writing about all the insights about men and women I have gathered from these events. Several ppl think I have the potential for a bestseller on my hands.  I would have never had this opportunity if not for all the ppl who have participated since Aug 2005. Special thanks to Cherryanne Nicholas, Eric Jordan, Atiba McLean, Laurene Williams, Melvin Alvares, Theresa Labrey, and Heru Saba (sorry if I’ve missed someone) who were the earliest members and my partners in development.

THE FUTURE OF SWTOS
Thus, I am not sure if I am doing another event this year. The fourth Fri of November is the day after Thanksgiving (I will probably go be with my mom in Maryland) and the Dec date is Christmas.

I’d love to get a group together to organize something special in Dec or early Jan but I am not interested in doing it alone and Zach is interested in this too. It could be just be after Dec 13 when my classes end or just before or after New Years Eve.  So if you like planning events or have a crew of ppl who might be interested, let me know if you’d join our planning committee.

Here’s the idea: A Success with the Opposite Sex Extravaganza with live musical performances, catered food, held in a really luscious space in Soho (we’d need to schedule a date soon and the fee is $500). It would be for an equal number of men and women at $35-40/person.  It would start at 9pm and end around midnight. And of course there would be a SWTOS Get Related not Dated exercise for mingling and practicing intimacy.

INTERESTED IN JOINING THE PRODUCTION TEAM for an end of the year event?
Email me at kyraocity@gmail.com
Send your name, cell phone, best times to reach you and what you’d like to offer.

Please send any suggestions of locations, artists, and possible themes esp. if there was some past theme you think would work again.

Thanks, Kyra (the social maven of intimacy)

Inspired by our love affair with President and Mrs. Obama and the love affair they share with the public, with us, Zach and I did a great job of creating a unique event. Thirteen ppl rsvp’d and thirteen ppl showed. I don’t care what you think about the number, getting 100% attendance from rsvps says something about a meetup. That’s a sigb of success no matter how small or large a meetup is and we at SUCCESS with the OPPOSITE SEX: GET RELATED not DATED™ do it consistently.

THE RECAP: We discussed receiving & sending love letters from junior high school to now & all the things those memories bring to mind. We wrote letters. Danced together. Then shared abt it.

Taking a look at what love letters meant and what form they came in from our  memories brought up the notes passed in class (check yes or no), rejection when the letter is not received well, keeping the bad ones as evidence, that love letters come in the form of text messages, notes strewn on the floor as a suprise when you come home, and that we are not always accepting of that whatever way a member of the opposite sex chooses to express themselves. Moreover, we really began to appreciate the power of the hand-written thought and word.

Presentation matters in letter writing. These were written on the most amazing 3X5 vintage toile stationery sets. My aunt gave them to me as a gift two Xmas’s ago (Thx Aunt Bernetta). I visited the website tricoastaldesign.com on the back of the stationary cards. This stationary was designed in toile to “revive the lost art of letter writing.” Visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toile for definition and images. The decorating pattern on this 3×5 stationary set consisted of 10 cards on an off-white background with a black floral pattern and 10 cards with an inverse pattern of black background and an off-white pattern.

Buy a box of stationary so the receiver can hear the ripping open of the envelope. Imagine re-reading the note. Share it with friends because of its presentation. Smell your cologne on the paper creating an olfactory bouquet of your sentiments. Here’s one of the love letters written anonymously by one participant to another of the opp. sex:

TO:  HER

“I’m your sedative. Take a

piece of me whenever you

can.” (Seal)

Know that you are loved,

thought of, and appreciated.

Enjoy you, because I

am everyday.

Love

Zach and I organized the perfect evening even if we do say so. Overall the ratings from surveys collected by organizers reflects why you should come join us. Consistently excellent scores once again from all who attended the entire event which included 13 single and divorced men and women ages 25 and up.

Here are some of the comments:

1. Everything worked for me, esp. the dancing.
2. The letter writing exercise was wonderful. I also enjoyed the dancing. Wonderful get together!
3. What worked: theme of love letters + dancing. Nice one! What didn’t work: time-keeping comments.
4. Letter writing exercise was awesome. I like the insightfulness. The soul train line was awesome. Engaging , entertaining.
5. Would be valuable to always share why we come at the beginning. (I usually do this and didn’t this time.)

ABOUT THE VENUE: Perfect space for dancing (wish I had A/C). Intimate context was perfect for sharing and letter writing.

ARE WE A MEETUP SUCCESS STORY?:

Each month meetups are rated online. The online rating form asks “Are you a Meetup success story? If so, we want to hear from you! Please tell us how Meetup has enabled you to make a difference in the world or the lives of others!” This is what I wrote:

Black singles and divorcees are part of a demographic that is higher than any other nationally. Regaring marital status: the highest rates of single folks, separation and divorce according to 2000 US Census and the trends continue to rise. SWTOS really alters the view of ourselves and of each other particularly between the sexes. This is a truly alternative kind of event. One of my long-term members (3 yrs plus) is getting married in 15 days and attribues that in part to his participation in the group (he’s our youngest member at 28).

A new member that came to the July meetup last night came simply because I made an appeal at the 11th hour –in the form of a love letter following our July meetup theme (LOVE LETTERS FROM THE WHITEHOUSE). He said he came because of it and he contributed SO MUCH to the evening. (In fact, he wrote the love letter above.) This group allows people to experience intimacy no matter what their circumstance in a relationship. Instead of staying home watching TV Fridays or hanging out with the same sex, they come out and REALLY share who they are in a way that makes us all richer. Every event is consistently ranked tops by both men and women.

Dear Brothers,
I have an invitation for you. Last month I had Zach ask for more men. This time, I am putting on my feminine charm.

I know Friday night you probably hang with your boyz or simply unwind in front of a good movie, right? But not THIS Friday July 24th (or any other 4th Fri of the month) if you ask me.

Let me tell you a story first. I recently ended a relationship and started looking again (yes call me!). Last week, I contacted a brother thru Facebook who is about my age with similar interests. It was someone I had met years ago but only once. I don’t even remember what he looks like but I asked if he was single and looking. He said, “I got my heart bruised recently.” Hmmm?

There’s another brother from the meetup who in the recent past shared that he was tired of getting hurt. “I don’t understand women” was his complaint. Ever considered that a complaint of any kind usually hides an undelivered request or communication?

MEETUP MONTH: LOVE LETTERS FROM THE WHITEHOUSE
At the July 2009 meetup we are writing love letters ( we call it). Your letter could be making that request of that lady or of the unique women you intend to meet in the future. In the spirit of the Obamas, it’s time to show your love for the opposite sex in novel ways. (Photo from BET.com. “I never worry about…fidelity…that is between Barack and me, and if somebody can come between us, we didn’t have much to begin with.”– Michelle Obama)

Tonight is the night, gentelmen, to stop hanging with your boyz to hide your fears (unless you have special plans). Tonight is about not about being dated, gettin old and cynical, sitting in front of the flat screen (record that show or save that DVD!). This is the PERFECT night to feel the attention of a date without the rejection.

I told that brother with the bruised heart that no doctor would buy that story. I also told him that I can relate. He held on to his complaint but after a bit of dialogue began to lighten up. That story was keeping him from meeting an extraordinary woman. It coulda been me. He liked the invitation but he’s allergic to cats LOL.

Being with the opposite sex without expectation is the key to getting back in the game, putting the ball back on the court. You keep taking the ball home and we can’t play when we meet. Remember what makes the connection between the sexes special is feeling the chemistry that nature designed to make you go mmm––.

I wanted to write you an alluring letter, a love letter to you, YES, YOU reading this!! Come on, you ain’t doing nothing tonight. Come be with us! Only $10 at door, rather than $15. Start your engine again for the lady you are waiting for. But don’t wait til she shows up or when you think your over the other one. Start to warm that car up tonight. May sound corny, but we carry people in the car of our heart. Keep it warm and tuned up!

I won’t offer you an incentive. I was just watched an amazing live TED talk by Daniel Pink about incentives at work (I am a TED Fellow, visit http://ted.com). Social science has proven for 40 yrs, they don’t work. What works is what Google does: they give their workers 20% free time to pursue their own thing. What works is Autonomy Mastery and Purpose, in this case with women in your presence (LOL). That’s what I offer at SWTOS. No tips. Ppl of the opposite sex to practice being open with, so you can feel your autonomy, mastery and purpose being fulfilled.

We all want a partner of some kind or another. But more often than not we stop getting in the car to go out anymore.

If you choose to come, clean your rims and a little cologne won’t hurt!!
If not, thanks for considering all this and do start your engine soon and join us next time!

PS. We have 3 men rsvpd and 7 women. I’m just sayin, you’re wanted! Vroom-vroom!

Thanks so much,
Kyra (the social midwive of intimacy between the sexes)

Serendipity ain’t a common term in the black community but it is one way to explain the miracles that have happened since I met my birth father, Norman Lee Evans, Sr., four years ago when I was 40. All my life I pretended that my dad’s absence didn’t matter even if it hampered my romantic relationships with boys and now men. A male friend who’d been burned by too many women like me, incomplete with their fathers, told me I needed to be bigger than my dad and reach out to him first. So I did in 2002…. (read the rest).

See invite at http://www.meetup.com/getrelated/calendar/10262419/